Posts Tagged ‘God’

WINNING!!

A look back at what I have learned over the past few years (read: since having kids).

1) It’s worth it. As in, the pain and hard times….no matter what the issue is that’s brought it on. It took 4 months to have no pain nursing my first….I was planning on like 4 weeks. I just took it day by day and we made it 19 months. This is example 833586 of what happens when you don’t. give. up.

2) It turns out I’m not a huge pushover. It sure would have been easier to stop nursing when everyone else thought I should, or to start weaning him when everyone else thought I should…..to just let him have juice because some of our parents think he should have some, to just give him formula so our parents could watch him, to just do the “recommended” vaccines, to just use disposable diapers…. I don’t choose the harder, sometimes less understood, route because I like a challenge or to be different, I chose routes that happened to be more difficult in some cases but my soul knew it was the right thing for him and for us. Sticking to your guns and being happy with your choices is empowering and peaceful.

3) I have regrets after all. What a bummer. I always liked to say, “No regrets” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sometimes we just make some really stupid choices that have some really awful consequences. Pre-parent? Yea, there’s too many to list. Since becoming a parent? Pfff! Probably just to the point where I could list them but by next year there will be too many. I think if we didn’t have regrets we wouldn’t be human. I have learned a really hard lesson over the past few years but from that has come the most wonderful moments of my life.

4) The dog hair will always be there, even if I literally just vacuumed.

20120921-164042.jpg
(But it’s ok because how cute is he?)

5) I could have been a wife in the ’50s…just like I always thought. I’m very blessed to be able to stay home with the boys. I dig cooking and baking and making things from scratch that we grew up just buying. The cleaning, well, here’s a secret I never really shared with anyone, I do actually enjoy cleaning! Clean and organized is one of my things. Now some of you that know me might be saying, “Surely you jest” or “liar, liar, pants on fire” BUT it’s true! It’s just that some of my other things are more important to me right now. And also, I have a two year old. 😀

6) I can be a mom and still be a huge goofball, sometimes separately sometimes not. It’s nice to know that I still don’t have to be serious all the time….because if Serious were a class in school, I would get an F. Okay, okay, a D.

7) I don’t need much in the way of stuff. I can’t remember the last time I bought anything just for me….and all those things I had my eye on…meh. My favorites things aren’t things at all but times when my three guys are all home and all around me.

8) I can meet goals. I guess I didn’t realize I really do meet the ones that are truly important to me. Natural birth, CHECK! Nursing past 1 year, CHECK! Cloth diapers, CHECK! Organize the pantry, CHECK! Accept the Nobel Peace Prize, CHE-oh wait, no check, no check….yet! My current goal has been filled with way more obstacles than I anticipated but I will not give up.
20120921-164102.jpg (I’d like to thank the Academy.)

9) It’s hard to stay on top of things, but if you do it enough most things become habit and then it’s not as hard.

10) God is great….and He puts up with all of my crap. He truly is the best Dad ever.

11) I apparently traded something for my awesome spelling and grammar skills. I’m not sure what I got in return yet, but I am definitely thankful for autocorrect these days.

12) There IS such thing as magic, especially invisible magic elves who take some of my things into their little elven satchels for a few months then just put it right out for me to step on when they are done.
20120921-164054.jpg
(in my head this is him…)

13) I still don’t have a clue! The amount of knowledge I have yet to gain is ridiculous, but I’m ready and staying open-minded!

14) You can share important, life-changing things you have learned with people in hopes of helping them but after that, there’s nothing else you can do. This was a particularly hard lesson.

15) I forget at the moment. I know I have learned more than 14 things over the past couple years. 😀

Anyway, that’s me WINNING! Well except for number number 15….

I might have to have a what now?

Crunchy moms tend to shoot for natural births, not all of them do… but most. I am in the majority there. Birth number one was unfortunately induced (pitocin is the Devil, I can say for sure now having had that coursing through my body for 24ish hours) but the drugs stopped there, thanks to my husband, my doula, and a tub. That tub there basically changed everything for planning birth number two, or so I thought. If you have ever been in the water for a birth or just during a contraction, I don’t really need to say much more. If you haven’t, it’s borderline blissful. Yea the contractions still hurt, but so much less. Water magically relieves so much of the pressure. I wanted to cry when I had to get out. Never mind that I went in too early and it slowed my labor down, even if I went in right on time I would have still had to get out because they don’t allow water births where I was. LAME. And the reason I decided not to go back there for number two. If water makes contractions that much better then what of transition and crowning? I had to pursue that! And so mid pregnancy I made the decision and switched to one of about 3 hospitals around here that allow water births and I was psyched! I decided to add in some hypnobirthing tools this time around too. Those birth stories where the mama is in the tub and seemingly zoned out? Yes! That would be me this time!

I can’t even remember when but somewhere in the early 30 weeks we found out he was breech. Oh boo….but we still have time. So it’s all good. Yet the weeks passed and he was still breech… Hmmm. I looked into all the things I can do to hopefully get him to turn and then I started them one by one. All the while I hear if he isn’t turned by 37 weeks then that’s when they would want to manually turn him. Mm. The external cephalic version. Pretty much any mention of it raised a red flag. I was torn though. If I try everything and he doesn’t turn and that’s the last option….what if I am passing on the last option for a normal delivery? What a pickle. I brushed it off as best as I could and just kept on trying to get him to turn…..Webster’s technique with my chiropractor, cold peas on his head (the baby, not the chiropractor), music and light down low low low, inversions, breech tilts, acupuncture/moxibustion double whammy, self-hypnotherapy, EFT to reduce my anxiety over the possible outcomes if he doesn’t turn…and still had a few things left to try. While I tried these things I had this weight on my shoulders about this ECV. Would it be my only shot for a natural delivery? Oh there’s that red flag again. Here’s the thing about red flags…you just don’t ignore them. There’s a reason they are flailing around in your subconscious face. Only a 58% chance it would even work….and he could turn back if it does work….and it could lead to an emergency c-section right then and there. I finally let go and decided I would be declining this invasive procedure. (There is the first set of weights off my shoulders!) I just kept thinking if he doesn’t turn with all these things I am trying (especially the chiropractor and acupuncture/moxibustion that have super high success rates) then I feel in my gut he just isn’t turning for a reason. Week 36….I am trying to decide if I will be going back to my old OB because I have a relationship with him and I want him to do the C if it ends up happening. Oh but then I am giving up a water birth if he ends up turning….and they can turn way up until the end, even in labor. Oh sweet baby, you sure are making your mama think.

Here’s where I wished for a minute that I didn’t care about these things. That I didn’t know what I know and didn’t accept the responsibility of looking into my options instead of just doing what an OB says. I mean, there is a new hospital about 5 minutes from our house. I wish I was like, “Ok cool! Whenever you want to do the C, let’s just do it! Let me check my calendar for when’s good and maybe we can find something that works for us and you can still make your tee time.” Holy cow would this all have been SO much easier! “To know better is to do better” though, so I’m brought back to reality. Amidst all of these big decisions one after the other, I am compelled to meet with another midwife/OB group (my poor husband. He is the BEST husband!) How odd….like I don’t have enough to think about. I follow my gut though and we go meet her and chat. They just started water births there…and even more recently started something called a “Gentle Cesarean”. She gives me the basics and said I will find way more info if I Google it. I’m a Googler so I do. Oh, I see. About as close as I can get to the kind of C I would hope for. Hm. So if he turns I can still have the water birth option and if he doesn’t then I have this Gentle C option. Ohhhh that’s why I felt compelled to meet with her. I check on feedback for her and the docs and the hospital. Vast majority good, some bad….no place is perfect. Another 9th inning switch for me! 😀 (All the while my awesome doula Karry, listened to me go/talk through all of these decisions, gave advice when asked and supported me with whatever decisions I made, love her.) And here was the second set of weights off my shoulder!

I realized after my EFT session that this was a lesson in faith for me. And just because you realize that doesn’t mean you are suddenly squared away and good to go apparently either. 😀 I went to my personal library and asked God to show me what I needed. I grabbed two books, “Amazing Freedom: Devotions to Free Your Spirit and Fill Your Heart” by those lovely Women of Faith ladies and “The Remarkable Prayers of the Bible: Transforming Power for Your Life Today” by Jim George.

The first message He sends me from the first book, “In a strange but marvelous way, her belief gives her a sense of freedom because she knows she doesn’t have to figure out the big picture by herself. She doesn’t have to see how each piece of her life fits into God’s big, glorious picture. She just keeps believing. Keeps praying. Keeps trusting. And she knows that in the end, God’s plan will be revealed to her, and she’ll be able to see her life as God sees it.” Here’s where my science brain shoves her hands in her pockets and kicks a rock.

The second message from the second book is from the chapter on Abraham “a man of remarkable faith”…yea I better read this one seeing as I know this is a lesson in faith. Here’s what jumped right off the page and all but slapped me in the face, “Fear is a good indicator that we have strayed away from God’s will, for when we have fear, we are not trusting God.” DOH! My science brain throws her hands up and just leaves. And then a reminder through Abraham’s prayers, that they should be motivated by a desire to see God glorified. I had been praying, though not fervently. I kept in mind that prayers aren’t always answered immediately, and sometimes they never are. I kept in mind that it really is His Will Be Done, and I was ok with that….or was I? If I could just know what’s going on here, why he is breech, why hasn’t he turned, will he turn in time? I felt so much closer to peace, but just wasn’t quite there. Lessons can be such a pain. And I picture God doing the 9172981273 things a minute that He does and peeking in on me to see how my progress is going and thinking to Himself, “She’s almost there….”

So my prayers changed to focus on whatever the outcome, I would be glorifying God. If he turns head down, then God did that by His own hands. I mean He is knitting him in my womb (Psalm 139:13) so He will certainly turn him if He wants. If he doesn’t turn, then God left him in place for reasons I may not get to know this side of Heaven, but glory to Him for bringing me this child, His child on loan to me, however He planned to bring Him to me.

I stared writing this blog several days ago, maybe even a couple weeks ago, I’m not even sure anymore. But just yesterday the last set of weights were lifted off my shoulders by my Father….and not because He turned the baby. I woke up from a nap and was sitting there in the quiet, gazing out the window at the greenery and listening to the birds. My mind wandered to this baby boy as it often does, but not him in my belly in the “wrong” position and wondering when will he turn or will he turn or why hasn’t he turned, but of him on my chest making those heavenly baby noises and within kissing distance of my lips. And that was it. Oh sweet peace. It just didn’t matter anymore how he arrives, God has that covered. Free at last! And oh look at that, this IS true! “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36.

And on that note…

Update: He was born the day after I finished writing this. Excuse me while I crack up at how God works….yes yes, touché Lord, touché! Here is his birth story. There’s a link in it for the news clip….because we kind of made the news. 😀